I've been so bored these days, I've decided to do a little something. EXPLAIN.

Last year, a few things happened here and there and I'm not sure if this post will ever end up being posted because I'm never one to actually pour out anything emotional to anyone or anywhere in fact. Everything will always just be cooped up somewhere in my brain.

I just don't feel comfortable. So, I'll just pretend this is my brain and explain a thing or two. It may likely be inaccurate because this is a view of myself by me, but I'll try.

I'm very likely pretty much, extremely, truly, honestly, one of the coldest person someone has ever seen. People I know will likely file me as an emotionless, rather violent person. Well, I am. I guess?

But the reasons why I am so are many, one being; I don't like being seen as fragile, instead of being viewed as a tiny twig, I want to be the bark.
I'm not going to further explain where I got this idea, because things happened when I was younger and I rather not people know.

But violent, I really don't know. Defence mechanism maybe? Although, really I don't, at least not often hit people square in the face. (I choose the stomach, the face seems to fragile but anyways...)

Why I chose to go solo.

Last year, people may have knew, or maybe they didn't notice but somethings happened.

Really, I am not a relationship type of person. I may likely end up by my own at the age of 90 but not with my 100 kittens because that's too cliche, maybe dogs?  Wolves? How about ducks? Hahaha, ever since I saw a duck at the beach in bali, I've turned a liking to ducks.

Why I say so is because, I just can't deal with people. Even in group work, I tend to try to work on more than what I'm needed to do especially if it's an idea from me because I feel that only I can understand what exactly I want. Like the graduation video; it was supposed to be a group of us editing the video but when they had me to film the video, I already had in mind to do all the editing by myself regardless of how I may not have the time to study.

I just can't deal with people, I'm trying to just do my job, but I feel the extreme need to do more than what is needed, to do a little more for the others. I know teamwork is important, but I do value teamwork, in certain cases teamwork works for me but in several, it doesn't.

Another reason why I turned solo was because I'm a rather selfish person. I usually only think of my family and myself, and I put them first and that's all. Maybe because friends wasn't a friendly term when I was younger, and I'm trying now, really. But for now, I'll just go solo, at least lesser people will get hurt from my indifference towards them.

Lastly, I don't know, I need people that are mature but yet still have a childish joyful side of themselves hidden. Umm, how do I say, someone who knows when and when not to do certain things. So at this age, it's all impromptu and recklessness, and I can't do it.

I honestly think I'm a more mature person in terms of thinking as compared to many our age,(as said above, biasness will surface) and sometimes, I look at several people of my age and think, why do they do things like that? Don't they see the stupidity in them?

I don't mean to offend or maybe you can say I'm just someone who doesn't know how to enjoy,life but truthfully, sometimes I think people are using the phrase YOLO so loosely, I stop seeing it as something to believe in. 

And the last point, I don't mean to hurt, really but if you read this, this was how I saw you as and it bugs me to life (see, emotionless, unable to be emphatatic)
Indecisive people, I can't stand indecisive people. I admit, I'm one of them too so maybe that is why I don't like being with indecisive people, maybe because they remind me too much of my flaws. But really, I couldn't. And if I can't accept your flaws, I don't see how I am able to continue on with you.(see, selfish.)

The brothers out there, they may likely hate me.(I still think that look wasn't his normal look, rather a look of a guy ready to kill) And I agree, I'm a bitch when it came to that but yet, I felt it appropriate because, we started with a text, so we end it with one. Maybe it's the weirdness in my clocking again but, I feel it was true. To me, that time was one that was just below the cloud nine, it didn't even feel like we had a level of friendship. We used to, but when it started, it was gone.

And one large gargantuan problem of me is that I seek perfection like a vampire thirst blood. Like a little bit of flaw irks me to the very toe. This doesn't have to do with anyone, I seek perfection in only me. I want myself to be perfect, and its honestly killing me slowly, I can feel it. If I don't get what I want of a thing, I'll feel miserable, desolated, just horrible. Its not to the level of sobs and cry; its much worst than that because I don't even cry over things like that.

//

After writing this, I need to start writing a card for someone.
I remember, when I cried over something minute, he was the only one that felt that it wasn't just the phone that I was crying over, he seem to understand there was something more and I thank him for that. I'm glad to have a teacher that at least took some effort to understand my problem although he couldn't fix it. It was my first heartxheart session with someone and I thank him that he understands at least some of it. Thank you.