I don't know how to start this.

Yesterday was a splendour , I laughed so much, i genuinely feel happy. I was so sure I was feeling happy.

But then today was horrible. I had ygen in the morning and having to be social in the morning to be gregarious right in the morning wasn't something I could take. But I tried. I tried for a while, I put in effort to speak to people to smile, to laugh, to joke. It was alright, at first. Until I had frisbee. The other team pissed me off so badly, everything went down the drain.

I shut out everyone, held onto an extremely darkened expression for the rest of the time in np. And flared at many people including my friends. Guys, I don't know if you'll ever read this but I'm sorry. I let my emotions got the better of me. I'm sorry.

They tried to show concern but I was all too set into thinking the world is a horrendous place to live in that no one should be alive (vigilante justice again). I did my usual, blasting of music and hurt my eardrums for a while. I did spend sometime walking around np by myself though. It got me some time to think about np's fms.

I had a lot on my mind, and this will be a recurring post if I were to talk about it again, so no.

I got a little cooled off when I saw people shooting and decided to go disturb them for a little while.

When I'm pissed, adrenaline hits and I naturally become braver 

I ended with a neutral mood though, very much thanks to theron who just sat beside me and sing baritone and also the production crew of np for playing the music.

Albeit, I was in a better mood, no doubt if I were to see that group if people again, I'll start to flare.

I'm a screwed up person, and for the so many times in my life, I wished I wasn't human.

//

And today, it got me thinking if u was truly too much of a drama queen. Not in the sense of daily actions but, I know, I know, I can't handle my emotions well but what gives anyone the right to point of out my flaws when they don't know me well.

I'm extremely hot tempered and I cry easily if my emotions get too overwhelming. I know all these. I do. But if people were to point that out, it feels horrible.

That's why I can't take jokes. There's no intermediate in my feelings. It has always been the minimum or the maximum.

I'm a Pandora box. It's either everything is let out or every feeling is kept in.

It's either I shut everyone out and be an extreme antisocial-ist or I become so full of energy, I detonate at any second.

Although I knew he was joking, I knew it, I just can't help but feel sad about it.

I feel pathetic ; people not believing me. Is it a perfectionist thing? I don't know why I'm making my life horrible.

I don't know how I'll be able to make friends if I were to continue this way.

But it's not easy to change so fast when for all these years since I started meeting people, it has always been a facade of some sort.

I really don't know what am I. I've already forgotten what I was.

That's the sad thing.