I decided to write this due to another sudden epiphany I received from a few days before and I cannot stop thinking about it because I worry I'll forget about it.

I thought it would be better to write it down somewhere as a reminder to myself and maybe then the worry of forgetting this lesson will not be there for me. So, I am here to start my preaching before I switch my macbook off for it to have a deep long sleep (the last I got it switched off was a week before my term tests...).

I've been thinking (i think a lot) ever since last Friday, what the heck is truly wrong with me. You see, things happened yet again and I don't get it. I don't get why it's always occurring no matter how hard I try to hold back myself. Not once in my entire life can I ever lead a school life without getting into characteristic/personality trouble.

And then I realised. I've been trying too hard to please everyone. I've been trying too damn hard to fit into a shape I don't fit. A circle to a square. Just because I felt a certain group needed a certain role, I took it to my own initiative to fill up that spot. Why was I so stupid? I can't believe I grew into such a childish old. Just because I wanted to fit in. 

And because I deem myself to that role, I cannot do certain things, I cannot feel certain things, I cannot say certain things. I can't do this, and I can't do. I tortured myself all this while without realising. Sometimes, I feel I can do a better job in acting compared to what's shown on the local tv. So many times I saw myself acting, so many times I tell myself I should feel this and that. So, so so many times. For so many times I practiced my lines. What I should say, how should I say it...

I need to stop.